Mom was not able to focus much on me or her granddaughter. When she does not look directly at me, I know that the day will be more challenging.
I’m sharing this video so you can understand what mom looks like when she can’t make eye contact. This is usually the time she wanders the most. She remained seated long enough for us to pull out the goodies in the bag. She did not understand what the nesting dolls were (though I have some beautiful ones from Russia mom picked up for me years ago when she traveled there). She barely touched the magnifying glass (she has reader glasses though they are seldom worn), because she had spotted the chocolate almonds! Candy always makes mom happy! Mom showed how smart she was by counting! Reaching #38 was an accomplishment! Notice how mom would respond with her voice, but her eyes would never focus on us? Is her dementia getting worse or is this an off day? I will let you know after visiting her this afternoon. ❤️🙏
Life is a journey that begins as a single moment! Every second of the day is a moment and those moments become scary when in the shape of a boulder (anything difficult that takes you out of your comfort zone)! Are you going to keep your Faith and Hope alive by holding on, or will you take the easy way out and let go? Holding on will be challenging as you endure pain, fright and exhaustion! The alternative is to let go and crash which will hurt, make you fatigued, angry and weak! I have done both! Sometimes the lesson came after impact. Other times, the lesson and my life’s strength came from holding on and inching forward. Both are necessary parts of our journey needed to help us grow and gain wisdom. (Ecclesiastes 7:14)!
What does better mean? That depends on you! What are your aspirations? How do you percieve yourself? Are you looking at your outward appearance and the way people see you, or are you looking at your inward self that is always visible to God and viewed by others through actions and heart? (1 Samuel 16:7) (Proverbs 16:2)
Crashing causes mourning, whether it is physical pain or grief caused by loss or the realization of our own sins. Mathew 5:4 reassures as we will be comforted (Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted.)
Holding on to Faith and Hope keep us moving forward, even when it seems impossible. This builds our strength and endurance. Faith is trusting God enough that you are willing to do the impossible (holding on) because you know nothing is impossible with God! (Luke1:37) Hope squashes despair no matter the circumstance and allowing a grip to be maintained knowing that God will renew your strength (Isaiah40:31). These tools are essential for every moment throughout our journey.
Allowing our hearts to see God in our circumstances, even when nothing else is visible but a huge boulder, will keep us moving forward. His love is immense meaning He can and will overcome anything we face in life if we allow Him! We have to have Faith and Hope, but these are nothing without Love! (1 Corinthians 13:13)
Folding. Mom tends to do a lot of this now. Usually she collects individual squares of toilet paper or Kleenex. She then folds, creases, folds and creases until she can’t fold anymore. These pieces of paper treasures are hidden in shoes, pockets, under her pillow or placed in drawers. I’m not sure what the reasoning is behind the folding. I do know the repetitiveness tends to soothe her.
If you listen closely, Mom is breathing heavy. It seems to be an anxiety reflex. After mom began folding, she tuned me and Lisa out. As she concentrated on the wash cloths the heavy breathing subsided. Besides folding, this activity encouraged sorting. It is a great activity for people struggling with dementia. (It also covers a multitude of fine motor and academic skills for teachers/parents of young children.) 😄
Mom folded everything in the basket. The timing was perfect because she was getting antsy. Luckily a friend came over and lead mom away. It was an easy departure for me and Lisa (my son’s girlfriend shares the same name as I).😁
These are the moments that we need to hold on to. The lady (purple pants) walking with mom is one of her table mates. Jane can carry on nice conversations and in the next sentence make you blush as she spews crazy cuss words. The first time I sat at the dinner table with them, I called her Jan instead of Jane! Have mercy, my first thought was that I needed to take cover! The nurses kindly calmed her down, I told her how pretty her name, ‘Jane’ was and she became my new best friend! No matter the anger that may surface, there is an even stronger force of love coming out. It may look different, but it is real! Look with your heart! It is everywhere, even when hiding behind dementia! (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)
Walking in to mom’s room, she was busy! She had gotten several of her roommate’s clothes, along with mom’s. Her focus was to put all of them in the middle of a metal hanger! With some coaxing and a lot of patience, mom hung one shirt of the hanger. The other clothes were returned to her roommate’s closet and mom’s clothes were placed back in her drawers.
Happily mom was happy with the clothes being put away. She was excited to go play with Hampton, his friend Tullulah and Kincade!
Today mom wanted to color! Perfect activity for all!
While coloring, this sweet lady saw mom. She shuffled up to us and began mumbling. Mom immediately jumped up to hug her while saying, “It is ok. I will take care of you. You need to sit down.” The lady would not sit and mom would not let go. I was afraid they were going to topple over so I grabbed a nurse. She pried them apart and got the friend to follow her out of the room. The children and I cleaned up our coloring. It was time for us to go, so we took mom up front where her friends were getting ready for dinner. she hugged us all good-bye. Our exit was easy!
Mom was happy! She was carrying around one of the dolls at AG. I loved listening to her talk about her beautiful son (she only has two daughters). She talked about how perfect he is. She was lucid and I cherished the conversation and witnessing her tenderness with the baby. A funny side note which proved that there was still some ability to think was rationally was when she told me the baby was dead. There was not sadness, only practicality as she showed me why. She lifted the baby up and down to show me that his extremities were limp! This was a matter of fact statement. Her conclusion was it was time to go feed him because he was hungry. At this point a nurse gently took the doll because mom was beginning to struggle walking while holding him She was fine. It was time to move onto something new.
After relinquishing the baby, mom and I were able to sit and talk. She reminisced about the past. It was extremely distorted, yet it was a conversation. She was at peace!
I have had many people ask me how we know what mom’s actual diagnosis is Alzheimer’s (which is a disease) or Dementia (a symptom of a disease). Her actual diagnosis is Parkinson’s with Dementia. The dementia stems from Parkinson’s. The Parkinson’s Foundation states, “Most people with Parkinson’s develop dementia as a progression of their PD, rather than having both PD and Alzheimer’s.” There are differences and similarities between Dementia and Alzheimer’s. For mom, the neurologist explained that the treatment is the same. She has medication to help her Parkinson’s (Namenda), anxiety/depression (Lexapro), blood pressure (Lopressor) and behavior (Seroquel). She has not had an MRI. The doctors feel there is no need. Physical/cognitive tests along with blood work have them confident that mom’s treatment would not change, even with Alzheimer’s. Her main treatment is for the Parkinson’s. The other drugs are used to lessen the symptoms for dementia. My understanding is that the same treatment would be used for similar behaviors displayed with Alzheimer’s patients. Mom had exhibited signs of PD for several years. Her symptoms were becoming noticeable while visiting me and my sister in the states. When asked about them, mom always had a reasonable excuse. She would then fly back to Kuwait where Michelle and I were unable to monitor her. Due to large time lapses of being together, her decline was more apparent to us than those seeing her daily. Some of the Parkinson’s symptoms were the slight trembling (rolling her rt. hand-to hide this, mom started wearing clothes with pockets that she could hide her hand), commenting that she could not smell foods while cooking dinner, a tendency to occasionally drag her foot causing her to stumble-she blamed her eyesight. (We took her to the ophthalmologist, her vision was good for her age!) She began saying bizarre things along with opinionated things that were mean and made no sense. She would forget simple things. Her handwriting became smaller and shaky. I would no longer allow her to drive the children. I then would not let her drive anywhere because she would have trouble concentrating on the roads, traffic lights and forget where she was going. These signs of Parkinson’s/Dementia came on slowly. I do not know if mom had a medical diagnosis at this stage. If she did, mom was in denial. She did not share this with me. She was a good fighter and disguiser of her symptoms while in America.
Two years have elapsed since being in America. Ali shared the diagnosis made in Kuwait (Parkinson’s /Dementia) in2017. He was open about the medical findings and her care. Mom went from being a strong, independent, world traveler, classy, renowned quilter, incredible friend, modest woman, loving mom and wife to a lady that would accuse people of trying to kill her while running out the house naked! She could no longer quilt, cook or entertain her friends. Her decline was severe, luckily in Kuwait, she was surrounded by a loving husband and a group of ladies that were patient, tolerant, understanding and caring. They kept her wrapped in love. They also became a wonderful, International support line for me! (Thank you Stitch group friends! You made a difference for mom and me. Your texts and pictures are a blessing to both of us!)
Love became the key for bringing her home. America gives her plenty of family, more importantly, her grandchildren. We wanted the grandchildren to create some more memories while she still recognized them! Since her arrival, that has been accomplished! I believed I could keep mom in my house and safely watch her. I was wrong! Mom is a wanderer. It is hard to keep her inside. Locks were not a deterrent for her! Our house is full of stairs. Her balance is good, but one stumble could present serious health challenges! Mom does not sleep well at night which is a disturbance to the household. She is like a four year old who needs activities everyday. I am off for the summer but will soon go back to teaching full time. I have young teenagers who are involved in sports. That means I am driving to and from practices every day. These were some of the reasons Ali and I decided to find a facility for mom. Finding AG has been a blessing! The staff is incredible. They keep us informed. They know mom and love her! Mom can safely wander 24/7. There are no dangers of her starting a fire because she wants to cook. There are activities for the residents morning thru evening. I trust God’s hand in finding mom’s new home! His presence in this journey, makes it easy for all of us involved to show His love to mom (and the residents residing with her). She is visited daily and loved dearly! The days are not always easy. Mom continues to have difficulty. She also has beautiful days where we see what God sees, her heart! 1 Samuel 16:7
The decision to place mom in an Alzheimer’s facility was based solely on what works for our family. For those that are facing similar decisions, my prayers are with you! There will be feelings of guilt mixed with feelings of peace. Let your heart prevail as you choose. At this stage of life, Atul Gawande, author of BEING MORTAL, says it best, “The ultimate goal is not a good death, but a good life-all the way to the end.”
Today was a perfect visit! Mom was not hiding. I found her immediately in the party room where the residents had eaten birthday cake. When mom saw me in the doorway, she immediately jumped up and hugged me. She then took me over to meet a friend. She tried to introduce me but kept calling me the names of her sisters. Mom’s friend didn’t mind. He was not focused on us! It was sweet how mom kept trying to pull him into our conversation. Luckily, a family friend who resides there, Ms. Ellie walked over. She let mom hug her and they both talked. There was no real conversation, but both ladies were happy babbling!
I had brought a Reese Cup for mom. She loves sweets! I told her she would receive it once in the room. Walking became a challenge. Not because of her gait or being uncooperative. The problem was, mom started taking off her clothes! I insisted she keep them on or I would keep the candy. She partially obliged. We reached her room and only mom’s outer shirt and bra were off!
We made it back to her room with the rest of her clothes on. I was proud of her! She sat down on the bed and opened the candy!
After finishing the first piece of chocolate, mom had to wash her hands. She would not eat the second one because her hands were dirty! Mom has always had OCD with cleanliness. That remains a dominant trait!
Mom washed her hands and promptly returned. She grabbed her Reese Cup and went out to the hall where she heard voices. Mom being the social butterfly, was talking by the time I reached the group. It was a man, wife and their dad. They all knew mom. The daughter’s name was Mary Ann. She had spent several evenings with mom while visiting her dad. The first time she meet mom was several nights ago. Mom had been having an emotional evening. Mary Ann went to sit with her. Mary Ann shared with me that while sitting with mom, she felt prompted to go get a book from the bookshelf. Mary Ann grabbed one and took it to mom. Mom immediately calmed down and started talking as she touched and turned the pages. Without knowing anything about mom, Mary Ann had grabbed a fabric book. Mom was a renowned quilter and expert on fabrics before Alzheimer’s robbed her of the ability to continue. The book filled with fabric and Mary Ann’s kindness gave mom instant peace! I am thankful for this new friend who listened to the whispering in her heart! God sends His angels in many forms! (Psalms 86:12, Psalms 9:1, Galatians 5:22-23)